Tuesday, July 25, 2017

immature choices

I don't know why I'm suddenly interested in romantic notions again at this moment, but it's true I've been thinking it might be time to go out there again.  I'm not exactly very smart with my own choices for love interests.

I've also been extremely lucky.  I've been married, and I've been asked to marry many times.  Luck of the draw.  I also think not really being motivated toward couplehood is in itself an attraction.  An aloofness that seemed to always work for me.

Except when it didn't.

Generally, I did not pursue couplehood.  The less-than-handful of times where I personally decided I cared for someone and was active in my pursuit of that end, I chose aloof men that couldn't tell me how they felt about me.  It was a disaster each (both) times.  Falling for a man that can't tell you how he feels about you when you yourself can't tell him isn't a recipe for romantic bliss.  Being the fearful one only works when you're with someone who can be brave.

So.  There were two men I was madly in love with, that couldn't communicate mutual feelings to me.  I think they felt the same way.  But there's no way to be sure.  The one I wasted the most time and emotion on (the one that started me blogging in the first place), did give me a couple of sentences at the time that conveyed his feelings were just as strong.  But that was it.  Neither could really profess.  I tried.  I think.  The other was pre-blogging days.  I believe I wrote about him in a journal mostly, and what good is that if I am the only one who reads it?  The point being, I don't know that I was much better at being in love with them as they were with me.  I think there were immature fuckups enough to go around with both in-love instances.

I bring this up now because it's on my mind lately.  I tend to think along romantic, or at least sexual, lines when I've been getting a lot of exercise and when I'm feeling good about myself.

I'm not an aggressor.  And the two times I was in love and being somewhat aggressive about it, I chose men that couldn't even tell me they loved me.  So I think I've learned that this isn't a role I'm comfortable in.

I'm not sure when I'll start seeing people romantically again.  But I do know I'm not interested in buried feelings, or buried expressions of feelings.  And as always, being romantically involved is not a goal of mine, nor is it necessary for my happiness.

But I am feeling the urge for closeness again.  I am definitely wishing there were more kisses in my life.  It usually starts with a wish to kiss - starts when I begin scouring my various tv sources for romantic movies or shows that have really good kissing scenes.  Once I am beyond satisfaction from third-person romance, I'll put myself out there.  Not sure how I'm going to do that, either.  These days there are a million new options.  But it's nice to know that I'm not over these desires.  Nice to know my fuzzy romantic heart is still beating.

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