I've also been extremely lucky. I've been married, and I've been asked to marry many times. Luck of the draw. I also think not really being motivated toward couplehood is in itself an attraction. An aloofness that seemed to always work for me.
Except when it didn't.
Generally, I did not pursue couplehood. The less-than-handful of times where I personally decided I cared for someone and was active in my pursuit of that end, I chose aloof men that couldn't tell me how they felt about me. It was a disaster each (both) times. Falling for a man that can't tell you how he feels about you when you yourself can't tell him isn't a recipe for romantic bliss. Being the fearful one only works when you're with someone who can be brave.
So. There were two men I was madly in love with, that couldn't communicate mutual feelings to me. I think they felt the same way. But there's no way to be sure. The one I wasted the most time and emotion on (the one that started me blogging in the first place), did give me a couple of sentences at the time that conveyed his feelings were just as strong. But that was it. Neither could really profess. I tried. I think. The other was pre-blogging days. I believe I wrote about him in a journal mostly, and what good is that if I am the only one who reads it? The point being, I don't know that I was much better at being in love with them as they were with me. I think there were immature fuckups enough to go around with both in-love instances.
I bring this up now because it's on my mind lately. I tend to think along romantic, or at least sexual, lines when I've been getting a lot of exercise and when I'm feeling good about myself.
I'm not an aggressor. And the two times I was in love and being somewhat aggressive about it, I chose men that couldn't even tell me they loved me. So I think I've learned that this isn't a role I'm comfortable in.
I'm not sure when I'll start seeing people romantically again. But I do know I'm not interested in buried feelings, or buried expressions of feelings. And as always, being romantically involved is not a goal of mine, nor is it necessary for my happiness.
But I am feeling the urge for closeness again. I am definitely wishing there were more kisses in my life. It usually starts with a wish to kiss - starts when I begin scouring my various tv sources for romantic movies or shows that have really good kissing scenes. Once I am beyond satisfaction from third-person romance, I'll put myself out there. Not sure how I'm going to do that, either. These days there are a million new options. But it's nice to know that I'm not over these desires. Nice to know my fuzzy romantic heart is still beating.
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